Ray Hudson
Ray Hudson
Ray Hudson

Winter

It’s almost winter (three weeks away) and the weather prognosticators (forecasters) are saying there’s a big freeze ready to pounce on most of North America.  So there’s not a second to lose.  It’s time to tune up the seasonal vocabulary. Can you say c-c-c-cold? Canyou say C-C-C-Canucks win? Well, maybe that’s asking too much. So stoke up the fire, pour the hot chocolate and gather around the fireplace.

How cold was it?

So cold my car won’t run and my nose won’t stop!
So cold when I turned on the shower all I got was hail!
So cold when they milked the cows all they got was ice cream!
So cold the kids were telling horrendous lies in hopes their pants would catch fire!
So cold the politicians had their hands in their own pockets!
So cold that Jack Frost for Florida!
So cold the letter carriers are watching for dogs……and polar bears.
So cold the politicians can’t sustain a heated argument!
So cold when I dialed 911 the message said ‘call back in the spring.’
So cold we chopped up the piano for firewood. We only got two chords!
So cold we had lunch down at the “Greasy Spoon” – just for the heartburn.

Note from the neighbor: Ever since it started snowing, my husband has been standing in front of the window and watching.  If it snows much more I’ll probably have to let him in.

Letters to St. Nick:

Dear Santa: I’ve been good all year. Most of the time. Once in a while … Never mind I’ll buy my own stuff.

Dear Santa: This year please give me a big fat band account and a slim body, please don’t mix those two up like you did last year. Thanks
Winter is:

“Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat.

Winter is mostly just waking up and not knowing whether its 6 pm or 3 am

Winter is just great, when you watch it on TV from Playa Del Carmen

Winterpeg: Come for the culture, stay because the car won’t start

Summer can be great and all, but Halloween, Thanksgiving Christmas New Years, Bonfires Cold weather and cozy nights in are 100% better.

Shut the door. Not that it lets in the cold but that it lets out the cozyness.

Snow job: Sounds a bit flakey, but here’s the skinny on snow:

Found on the internet describing humungous snow storms:

SN OMG! Snoverkill; Snomageddon; Snotorious; Snofullupugus; Snomungeous

Biggest snowflake: According to the Guinness World Records, on January 28, 1887, a snowflake 15 inches wide and 8 inches thick fell in Fort Keogh, Montana, making it the largest snowflake ever observed.
Hoarfrost: Frost that resembles spiky hairs, gets its name from the word “hoar,” which means “ancient,” because it resembles an old man’s bushy, white beard. It happens when water vapor freezes instantly after coming into contact with a very cold surface. Sometimes it looks like it snowed but, you know it didn’t.

Dendrite: A type of snowflake that has six points. This is the archetypal “snowflake” shape. You know, the one the teacher says out of the uncountable quadrillions of snow flakes, no two are ever the same. Question: How do they know? Did some department in Ottawa do an audit?

Corn: Coarse, granular wet snow formed by cycles of melting and refreezing. The only ears it comes in are yours after you’ve done a header into the snowbank spilling your double-double. Well. At least you have a Timcycle (depending on how clean the snow was before.)

Cornice: No, it’s not a yellow frozen confection, it’s an overhanging accumulation of ice and wind-blown snow, such as might be found on a cliff face. Great to ski off, but a bummer to be caught underneath eh?

Graupel: also called snow pellets, graupel refers to round, opaque snowflakes. They form when regular snowflakes fall through ice-cold liquid clouds. Graupel is similar to hail, but is smaller and less dense. Hmmm and all this time I thought it was a breakfast cereal distantly related to grape nuts flakes.

So there’s your winter primer!  Keep your mitts and toques at the ready and your riding snow blower greased and gassed. We’ll come looking for ya around the end of April.